David Grimes — >

TV ad is hardly bare-able

One year after the Janet Jackson "wardrobe malfunction" fiasco, the network that will present this year's Super Bowl considered, but ultimately rejected, a commercial that would have briefly shown the bare butt of 84-year-old actor Mickey Rooney.

I got in touch with Roland Cialis, the Fox network vice president in charge of Standards and Practices, for the "inside scoop" on the decision:

Me: Have you people lost your freakin' minds?

Cialis: Not at all. There were certain individuals in this department who honestly believed that the American people would be motivated to buy a cold remedy after glimpsing an 84-year-old man's pale, drooping buttocks.

Me: I would be grateful if you could walk me through the thinking on that one.

Cialis: The thinking was that the American people would never expect to see nudity again during the halftime show after last year's Janet Jackson debacle, so we felt showing an old man's bare hiney would really generate some buzz for the network and our advertiser's product.

Me: By "buzz" you mean universal shock and revulsion, right?

Cialis: We prefer to think of it as spirited chat around the water cooler Monday morning.

Me: I'm having difficulty making the connection between old, flaccid glutes and congested sinuses.

Cialis: In the commercial, Mr. Rooney is in a sauna. Something startles him and he runs out of the sauna, accidentally dropping the towel that he's holding around his waist.

Me: So the point was … taking a cold remedy -- or possibly a bullet -- would be preferable to sitting in an overheated windowless box with sweaty, semi-nude elderly men?

Cialis: I can't say what our advertiser was thinking. You have to remember that we didn't make the commercial; we were just interested in the $1.2 million they would pay us to run it.

Me: It must have been a tough decision to pull the plug.

Cialis: There was a lot of back-and-forth on this one. Ultimately, the top brass decided that if the American people were offended by a beautiful woman's bare breast, they might also react negatively to an octogenarian's wrinkled tush.

Me: It's good to know that not everyone at Fox is smoking crack.

Cialis: We try to be a responsible, family-oriented network. So we're going to go back to our strengths, which basically consist of questioning the patriotism of anyone who has any misgivings about the war in Iraq and parroting everything the Bush governmnet says.

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